In September of this year, I was given the opportunity of a lifetime. I honestly don't know how this opportunity arose, it just came up out of the blue. I was given the opportunity to go to basically any community college in my state, completely tuition free! Sounds like an amazing opportunity doesn’t it? But within five minutes of the offer, I was already rejecting it in my mind. Why? Because I was afraid. I've lived in fear my whole life, fear of how I am viewed, fear of how other people might react to me, fear of what people would think of me, and fear of failure. Some may call it anxiety, others define it as paranoia, and I have come to realize fear is another form of worry. I did not come to this realization easily, and I daily struggle with anxiety, which feels like a vice, constricting my ability to feel any hope – hope for success, hope for happiness, hope for developing meaningful relationships, and ultimately, this fear affected my hope in God’s ability to protect me and be there for me. In my situation, where I live with autism, experts share that up to 84% of people with autism have high levels of anxiety, and up to 70% have some sort of sensory sensitivity. Studies have hinted that overreactions to sensory stimuli trigger anxiety in people with autism. So in short, I am more apt to experiencing anxiety than the everyday person.

I have attempted to look back in my life and pinpoint where this anxiety began. It is difficult to specifically find out where it all started, but I do remember an experience that infused anxiety into my everyday experiences. I wouldn’t consider myself socially incompetent, but I would say that I gave into impulsivity in my younger years, where my behavior was not what you would consider as appropriate in regards to peer interaction. My goal was to connect with my peers, however, I truly didn’t understand social cues about what is right and wrong and all the unwritten rules about social behavior, which sparked reactions that I was not prepared for and began solidifying my fear towards socializing with others. I realized how I saw the world was different than how my peers did. Not knowing what fueled my fear, I became confused and more reclusive even at a very young age. I have a very acute memory of those instances that play over and over in my mind, which keeps the fear within me strong.

Another area of anxiety that pushed me to live a fear-driven life was the educational system. Knowing that I have a learning disability, and that everyone else knew I had a learning disability, truly sparked a whole new level of fear in my life. My expectations of myself were lowered based on how I did in a traditional school setting, which heightened my fear of failure. Don’t get me wrong, in my formative years I scored above grade level in most of my assessments, which made me feel like a genius. But as I grew older, the pendulum shifted and I began scoring below grade level in all subject areas, especially when it came to taking assessments. Thus, the fear of testing, became highly amplified in my school experience. The scores I was given really reduced my confidence in what I knew about the world around me, and made me question my ability to learn at all. I was always told that the assessments I took were very important, so I made failing them bigger than what it actually was. When I took tests, I felt terrified. I was always on the verge of having a panic attack, but instead, I would just freeze up, especially in my mind, and could barely complete the tests given. When this happened, I could not recollect anything, let alone test material.  I like to regard myself as a pseudo-intellectual, someone who sounds smart but when push comes to shove, I began realizing (due to my test-taking abilities), I was not. 

When you add up social awkwardness, low confidence, and test anxiety, you have a situation where fear dominates every fabric of your life. I got to a point where I realized that this was becoming a real problem, because it was affecting my ability to develop relationships, face new challenges, and to trust in God’s abilities. I decided to take a hard and honest look into my life and to try to understand why fear highly influences the human condition. So, I researched how fear affects so many people today. What was consistent in my findings was that people fear what they don't understand. Some cope with this by sticking with what they do understand, so they don’t have to put themselves into any situation where they feel anxious, however, I have learned that growth does not happen when you are in your comfort zone. When people fear, they like to stay in their safe space, which is different for everyone, so that they can control absolutely everything around them. They can take several routes in regards to controlling their situation. They can seclude themselves from everyone and everything, so they don’t have to take risks or experience any form of fear from their interactions. They can also strategically put themselves in situations where they make the decisions and attempt to control the outcomes. I am sure there are many more pathways to run from fear, but the path I took was total seclusion from the outside world. Whenever I had to go out into the world, I manipulated people and situations to keep myself “safe”, from what I considered as a world driven by fear. I came to realize that it wasn't the world, it was me. I led myself to think I had control, but I have learned that was just an illusion. 

I also know that either path you take, it will leave you alone, regretful and wanting more than what you currently have. It's not worth it. I became even more fearful when I secluded myself from the world, even to a point of not wanting to leave the house. I then came to realize that I shouldn’t be looking at how the world views fear, or how I viewed the concept of fear, but to look into how God perceived fear. I allowed the fear and anxiety I had, to manipulate me into thinking that I had to control every aspect of my life, so as to avoid fearful situations. But that is not how God views fear. After diving into the Word, I realized that God does not desire for us to fear or have anxiety.  I do know that fear can serve as a valuable purpose in regards to safety (think about the fight or flight response), nevertheless, it can become quite unhealthy when it affects you in a manner where it leads to panic-driven behaviors and reclusiveness. Despite what I feel about fear, the Word of God commands us to not be afraid. In fact, there are over 300 variations of the command to “fear not” throughout the Bible.

After delving into Scripture, I realized that as a Christian, I don’t need to fear, or try to have control over every aspect of my life, because I know God is in control of all things. He is sovereign and omniscient, and nothing else is – social awkwardness, poor test scores, unmet expectations, or my uncertain future. God has all authority over my entire life, and absolutely nothing can threaten that fact. Matthew 6 provides a profound answer to the questions I have about fear and worry. 

Jesus stated, “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single cubit to his life span? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon (the richest man to ever live) in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For all these things the Gentiles (normal people) eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6: 25-34, NASB).

Matthew 6 was an eye-opening verse that dramatically revealed that the fear I have had in my life was self-inflicted, ultimately by my lack of faith.  Coming to the realization that I should fear not and living this new reality, is easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress. Daily, I am taking baby steps in dealing with the various anxieties that I experience, and I am slowly understanding fear is ultimately a faith issue. When anxiety creeps in, Christians are called to take their fear and give it to the Lord in faith. He wants us to trust in Him, completely and utterly. Whatever fear we have in our lives should go through Him and Him alone. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6, BSB).  Many of you may be living a fear-driven life like I have, but I want to encourage you, whenever you are afraid, God is there with you. In the times where you think He isn’t, and in the times you cannot feel Him, He is there. Put your faith in front of your fear and as Scripture so eloquently states, “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or in dread of them, for the Lord your God is the One who is going with you. He will not desert you or abandon you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6, RSV).